Inclusive Cultures Blog – Nobody Likes Us (And We Do Care), Kindness to yourself and others in the face of hostility
Paul Hawkins, Interim Managing Director at Attitude is Everything and 2024 Inclusive Cultures participant explores kindness and making difficult decisions.
One of the hardest things to manage as a senior leader is the need to make difficult decisions in challenging situations. Inevitably not every decision you make will be popular. And even when we try to manage people as considerately as possible, there will inevitably be times when the decisions we make cause anxiety, alarm or anger in others. Unless you’re a particular kind of sadist, this is never a nice situation to endure. However, for many disabled leaders, there is an additional layer of complexity. Navigating a world built for non-disabled people where you continually feel othered can have a significant impact on your self-esteem. Many disabled leaders carry experiences of low confidence, rejection sensitivity, social isolation and trauma and all of these can come flooding back in the face of anger or upset from others.
It can be very easy to respond to hostility in a wide range of unhelpful ways, all of which carry their own consequences. These include:
- Lashing out in anger – snapping back at the person who is upset with you, often making the situation far worse.
- Defensiveness – shutting down the conversation, leaving the upset person feeling unheard.
- Ignoring the situation – refusing to address the conflict and hoping the situation resolves itself.
- People pleasing – capitulating in the face of feedback, even where your decision was in the best interests of the organisation.
- Turning your frustration inward – dwelling and ruminating on the situation to the detriment of your own well-being and self-esteem.
Unfortunately, all of these responses risk the dual impact of neither making the situation any more satisfactory for your team or managing your own wellbeing effectively and it is easy to end up in a situation where everybody feels angry and relationships deteriorate.
Instead, it is vital to be kind to yourself. All of us get things wrong sometimes but few, if any of us, go about our lives with the intention of upsetting people. Being kind isn’t about ignoring or playing down the mistake or evading accountability. It is about accepting that kindness isn’t about ignoring those mistakes or evading accountability. It’s about accepting, trusting and valuing yourself, even when you get things wrong.
Practicing kindness could involve:
1. Manage people in a way that you can feel proud about
As far as possible, make decisions in the way that is right for you. Think about what you value in line management and act with accountability and integrity, doing your best to act within your own principles and the best interests of your organisation. Even when there are reasons that you cannot be transparent, ensure you act in a way that you’d feel comfortable justifying your decisions to yourself and others. If you can take pride in the decisions you’ve taken then – even when things do not turn out the way you would like – you can feel confident in your intention.
2. Take accountability
The second part is about being accountable to yourself and to others. It’s important to listen to any concerns and frustrations raised and check in with yourself on whether you are comfortable with how you have acted and whether you have acted in accordance with your values and principles. If you realise that you’ve got it wrong – or if information comes to light that means you need to reconsider your position – then you should do so with grace and sincerity. Taking accountability and ownership ultimately helps you feel in control of your actions.
3. Treat yourself as a friend would
Thirdly, it’s about understanding that “taking accountability” is not the same as punishing or tormenting yourself. When you focus on how bad you feel when you’ve made a mistake, you risk not taking accountability at all. And very often we punish ourselves when it is the absolute opposite thing that we need. It sounds counter-intuitive and a little outrageous to reward yourself when you get things wrong but consider what you would do if a friend had had a tough day at work. If you’d encourage them to have a small treat to take their mind off things, then that’s the advice you should apply to yourself.
4. Set your boundaries and limits
It’s essential that your team feel supported and that everyone has a channel to express their views and concerns. But you as a senior manager have as much right to be treated with kindness and respect as anyone else. Make yourself available to listen when you can and accept that, in the heat of the moment, others don’t always express themselves in the ways you would ideally wish. But allow yourself to let your team know when it isn’t the right moment for you to listen and ensure people understand that you are not an emotional punchbag. Setting your boundaries not only supports your own emotional well-being but leaves you in a much better place to respond to others.
5. Accept not everybody needs to always like you or to always be happy with your decisions
For many of us, this is the hardest point of all but it is absolutely critical. Making difficult choices inevitably means there will be moments of criticism from others. You should never disregard feedback out of hand, and you should always consider suggestions and concerns. But you don’t have to agree with every piece of feedback and, even when you do agree, that doesn’t mean you can or should act on it immediately. Ultimately we have to accept that there will always be moments where our teams do not like or agree with our choices and – as long as we’re working with the best interests of our organisation and the people we serve – we need to hope that the long-term successes outweigh the short-term concerns.
